I Think I’m Not Wired For Success

I just want to vent.

One of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life is when I realized that maybe I’m not cut out for great things.

This started in 2019 back when I was an insurance advisor.

Pay was good. Training was good.

My manager, despite my underperformance, has always been very supportive and encouraging. He never gave up on me.

Even then, I still failed.

Last year, I had a side hustle that gave me 2x the salary of my current job.

I didn’t last a month for two reasons:

• I was having health issues
• I stood my ground about doing things the right way. Client didn’t like my approach, said I was too emotional. That’s debatable. Maybe he just didn’t like my candor (I was super polite and professional).

I was looking for a full-time job.

While it wasn’t necessarily out of need, I was also curious how valuable I would be.

There were 2 really good opportunities.

Both times I reached the final interview stage. Both times I received good feedback from the managers.

At the back of my head, I knew that I shouldn’t count my eggs before they hatched. To my brain’s credit, I didn’t.

But a little part of me was hoping.

Both times, they chose somebody over me.

It made me think about myself career-wise. Which I also had problems with.

Passion Dwindling

Back when I started being involved in digital marketing, I was so hungry to learn.

I didn’t even wait for my company to buy me trainings, I spent my own money to get them.

Why?

Because I was that committed to sharpening my skills.

I bought books, listen to podcasts, watched YouTube videos, join webinars, etc.

This even grew more when I was promoted to become the company’s Digital Marketing Executive.

As I learned more about digital marketing, I shared my knowledge with my colleagues.

But then…

Here’s the thing, I was promoted into a higher position.

Originally, the intent was for me to do less of the routine work and be more involved in the internal system side of things to improve our campaigns.

Unfortunately, despite literally having my job title, I was still doing routine tasks. Stuff which we hired another person for.

That’s not the bad part.

The bad part is that all the major suggestions I had were not acted upon.

The worst part is, despite being an executive, I’m not that involved in the strategical side of things at all.

What makes this frustrating is that I’m kept out of the loop in the planning stage until they finally have a plan and they tell me whether or not it’s possible to do it.

Of course, it’s possible to do it. The right question is whether we should do it or not.

Yes, I communicated these things to my manager. Both previous and new.

While they are really good people, there are times I just wish they listened to me a little bit more.

As time went by, with my suggestions unheard and my opinions not amounting to much, I became an order taker.

I stopped trying to tell them what’s really important, what’s the optimal way of doing things, and what to do next.

I just wanted to get things done.

It’s not that I stopped caring about my job, it’s that I just wanted less friction.

I wanted to avoid the scenario where we had too many cooks in the kitchen.

They told me what they want me to do, I just did it.

To be honest, I think this was my mistake.

Maybe I should have been more assertive. Maybe I should have been more pushy. Maybe I should have been more worried about doing things right than stepping on other people’s toes.

As the months went by, I started to slump.

I started to make mistakes I never did. I started to slip up here and there.

It got so bad that during my appraisal, all I could remember was all my mistakes.

I straight up told my boss that I don’t think I had anything major accomplished for the year.

All I could recall were the times I made errors — both big and small.

There was even a time where I was given 3 months to show them that my head was still in the game and had half of my annual bonus withheld.

By God’s grace, I’ve been able to keep my job and get the other half of my bonus.

Now you might ask, where’s the part where my passion dwindled?

During my appraisal, that’s when I realized that for more than a year, I didn’t have the same energy to learn about digital marketing anymore.

While I kept tabs on the major stuff, I stopped training myself.

I stopped going to digital marketing sites, watch YouTube videos, and listening to podcasts daily.

I stopped buying books, trainings, and joining webinars.

It was shocking to me how long it went on before I noticed that I wasn’t as enthusiastic about digital marketing as I did before.

Not wired for success — maybe?

So what made me think that maybe I’m just not wired for success?

I’m not passionate about a lot of things and digital marketing was a big one. Sadly, I’m not quite as passionate at it as I was before.

I really believe that passion is a major driver for success.

The things you’re passionate about may not bring you monetary riches but working on it will reward you in some other way.

To be honest, I’m a bit jealous of people who never gave up on the things they love and they just keep being involved with it.

Many acts in the local music scene don’t go really big enough to make a living out of making music but they still keep on doing it. Why? Because it’s their passion.

They keep doing it even during times when they don’t feel like it. Why? Because it’s their passion.

I just don’t have anything I’m passionate about where I’m willingly committed to being involved with it despite my feelings.

I really wish this is just a phase and nothing permanent.

Yeah, I don’t really know how to end this.

I don’t even know if this entire thing makes sense.

If for some reason, you read this sentence, I really thank you from the bottom of my heart for your time.

God bless you.